The Ugly Cry Club · for the hard moments

Feel it. Name it. Breathe.

Having a hard moment? Try this simple technique. Take it slow. There's no wrong answer, and you don't have to explain anything.

This is one of the simplest ways to get through a hard moment. It won't fix your grief. Nothing can. It's a strategy to help you get through right now.

In crisis or not safe? Call or text 988 (U.S.), any time, day or night.

Feel it

Start in the middle. Pick the big feeling that's closest, then move out to the word that fits best.

Tap the words that fit. More than one is okay.

Say it out loud

Quietly to yourself, out loud to the room, or to someone you trust. Just your words.

Right now I feel …

You don't have to fix it. One or two words is enough: this is grief · I feel alone · this is love.

Find it in your body

Your body often knows before your mind does. Where is it, and what does it feel like?

Where I feel it

What it feels like

Breathe through it

Put your hand on that spot. Breathe in for 4, out for 6, three times, right into that place.

ready

Press start when you're ready.

↺

How do you feel now?

Go back to the wheel and check in again. It's okay if nothing changed. You showed up for your heart, and that matters.

You're not alone

Come sit with people who understand at the next Ugly Cry Club.

See when we meet →

Reach out

Text a friend one line: "Today is hard. Can you check on me?" Or write to me any time at [email protected].

If it's too much

Call or text 988 (U.S.), or text HOME to 741741. Someone will answer, any time.

Why this helps

The research behind this practice

The wheel

Our wheel is a simpler, grief-focused version of the Feeling Wheel created by Dr. Gloria Willcox to help people find words for what they feel.¹

Naming it

Putting a feeling into words calms the brain's alarm center (the amygdala). Researchers call this affect labeling.^{2, 3} Finding the exact word, not just "bad," helps people cope with hard feelings better.⁴

Your body

People in many cultures feel emotions in the same parts of the body, like a heavy chest with sadness or heat with anger.⁵

Breathing

Slow breathing, especially with a longer breath out, calms the body and lifts mood in just a few minutes.^{6, 7}

Love and sadness together

Healthy grief moves back and forth between feeling the loss and moments of love, rest and life again.⁸ Finding meaning after loss is part of healing too.⁹

Willcox, G. (1982). The Feeling Wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274–276. doi.org/10.1177/036215378201200411
Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. Emotion Review, 10(2), 116–124. doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706
Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking emotion differentiation: Transforming unpleasant experience by perceiving distinctions in negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10–16. doi.org/10.1177/0963721414550708
Nummenmaa, L., Glerean, E., Hari, R., & Hietanen, J. K. (2014). Bodily maps of emotions. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 111(2), 646–651. doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1321664111
Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., Neri, B., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353
Balban, M. Y., Neri, E., Kogon, M. M., Weed, L., Nouriani, B., Jo, B., Holl, G., Zeitzer, J. M., Spiegel, D., & Huberman, A. D. (2023). Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal. Cell Reports Medicine, 4(1), 100895. doi.org/10.1016/j.xcrm.2022.100895
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.

This page is a gentle self-care tool from a certified grief coach. It is not therapy or medical care. If your feelings feel too heavy to carry, please reach out to a counselor or your doctor, or call or text 988.

Follow along

Learn how to show up for grief.

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